


not alone, but lonely

by blazeofglory



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Spoilers, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, almost poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-20
Updated: 2014-04-20
Packaged: 2018-01-20 04:28:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1496668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blazeofglory/pseuds/blazeofglory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes are willing to take their secret to their graves. </p><p>(And they do.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	not alone, but lonely

They don't talk about what they are. They both know, in explicit detail, what they mean to each other. That's enough, really. "I love you" isn't something that must be said to know that it's true-- and they know.

It starts with a kiss, and they don't talk about it. For a while, they pretend it never happened. But then it happens again.

And again.

(It's all Bucky's fault for being so insatiable.)

It's risky and stupid, but they're safe if they don't speak a word about it. Love flows freely, easily. It's simple.

Years pass. Two, three. They keep it to themselves, and never tell a soul. No one guesses that they're anything more than the best of friends.

The world will never accept them, and they don't try to change that. (But they wish they could.)

Then the world goes to war.

Bucky enlists, and Steve tries to follow. A few drastic changes later, he does.

They worry about each other, but tell no one. Steve prays. Bucky doesn't let himself cry.

Steve arrives just in time to find out that Bucky is gone. He risks everything, and nobody understands, but he succeeds. Somehow, Bucky is found and saved.

(Steve thinks it's a miracle.)

He's different now. Steve doesn't know quite how, but he is. Their hands brush together, and Bucky pulls away. A small smile barely softens the blow.

They don't have the time to talk about it even if they wanted to. Their silent conversations leave much to be desired now.

They're alone one day, deep in enemy territory, scouting ahead. Their hands brush against each other again, and Bucky doesn't pull back this time. It feels almost like an apology; almost like enough.

(Steve blushes bright red, pleased.)

The next day, they're on a train.

Everything falls apart.

Steve has no choice but to carry on. Peggy guesses about him and Bucky-- he tells her she's wrong. He will die before sharing their secret.

It's all he has left.

(He has nothing else to cling to.)

And then he dies too.

A million years go by. He had hoped he'd find Bucky again in heaven, but all he feels is the cold.

Sinners don't get to go where it's warm, he guesses.

More time passes. Then Steve wakes up.

He's still alone.

Years pass. One, two.

Bucky comes back, but he's a stranger now. He touches Steve with intent to harm, not help. Everything is different again, and Steve wishes they both were dead.

He wishes they had never joined the army.

(He wishes they could go back.)

He wishes that Bucky had more to remember than stolen kisses in the dead of the night. He wishes that he was brave enough to say it now.

He can't.

They're in a burning helicarrier, plummeting to the ground. They're both going to die, and he can't help but feel relieved. To Steve, it's the ending he should have gotten a long time ago. To the Winter Soldier, it's the promise of freedom at last.

Bucky can't go quietly, though. Not when he has a mission to complete.

He wraps his fingers, the ones still flesh and blood, around Steve's throat. He knew him once. (A long time ago.)

There's only one chance now to say anything else. Steve closes his eyes. Bucky looks away, but doesn't let go.

Steve stops breathing as Bucky's breath speeds up.

The only words every uttered about their relationship are spoken in confused Russian.

("I think I loved you.")

The helicarrier goes down.

No one can seem to stop talking about what happened. No one knows the whole story.

(The world never would have understood.)


End file.
